When he’s just not that into you

Whether you have seen the movie or not, I think almost everyone has experienced that situation where the person you are interested in, is not so interested in you.

For me, that has happened a lot here lately.  Let me clarify, every guy that I have had interest in, just does not seem to have interest in me, or rather not the same interests I have.  However, there is one main thing I have learned in this season of singleness that I want to stress to every single female (or male if you are reading this too) out there:

If a guy is not reaching out, making an effort, and/or pursuing you, then he is just not that interested in you.

Period. Point blank. Now before you start gathering different debating points and giving me ‘What if situations‘,  (I.E.  “Well what if the guy has kids and is really busy?” or “What if he has been traveling for work and has been swamped with meetings?”)  Let me explain why.

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When a guy is truly interested in you, you will know.  If you are second guessing or having any doubts of where he stands, there is a reason. Don’t ignore that, there is a reason you are feeling that way.  It is said that women have some innate intuition, now whether or not this is a myth or real (I’m no psychology or science buff) I have no idea.  However, for me personally, the Holy Spirit has been speaking to me and guiding me with all the guys I have dated.  At first I gave the credit to my intuition, but let’s be real, ain’t no way I could pick up on this stuff myself. In every situation that I have had with a guy who just was not that into me, I have always found myself making excuses for them or justifying their actions. Oh they are just busy, work is crazy, he fell asleep early last night.”  But the truth of the matter is, we make time for what we want in life.  If a guy really wants to talk to you and pursue you, he will.  If you find yourself constantly making excuses or justifying his actions, then that is a red flag.

I dated a guy last summer and at first everything was going great.  We were talking a lot, hanging out, and I could see the effort he was putting in.  However, as time continued on, the communication became more and more distant. And my gut (aka the Holy Spirit) kept telling me there was a reason why.  Something was not right, it did not make sense.  Come to find out, the guy had been talking to an old friend and that relationship was progressing, whereas ours was not.  He was at least honest with me about the entire thing in the end, but that did not make the disappointment any less.

I instantly could sense when the shift happened in that scenario.  In a recent scenario I had this past Friday night, I also knew and sensed the shift.  I probably had one of the most awkward, yet real and honest conversations with anyone I have dated before.  One thing I have noticed I need to work on more lately is my communication.  Well this past Friday night, the Lord literally handed me the best opportunity to practice on a plate.  I had a very awkward yet clarifying conversation with a guy about where we stood.  We came to the conclusion that we were looking for two different things.  I’m looking for a relationship, where as he was not.  I appreciated the honesty of the talk, but once again, that did not make the disappointment any less.

At one point the guy asked me straight up, “did my lack of communication not tell you that I was not looking for something serious?”  As I responded to him, I realized how ridiculous my excuses sounded that I used to justify his actions.  He was absolutely right, and if I am honest, I was fully aware of the effort he was not putting in; however, I kept making excuses to justify continuing to talk to him, all because of how attracted I was to him.  I kept giving him one last opportunity to see if something was there or could get further clarification.  When all along the clarification was there, I just chose not to accept it I know, I am shaking my head in disappointment at myself right now as well.  Hey, you live and you learn.

This frustrated, disappointed feeling that I have felt now in these scenarios is not fun.  And I have reached the point in my season of singleness where I am just over it.  Over meeting a guy, getting my hopes up, and then it just not working out.

I had a conversation with my sister recently that was so encouraging to me. Every time I have a disappointing outcome with a guy now, I go back and reference the spiritual wisdom she gave me.  I was telling her about a date I had and how frustrated I was because the guy was not pursuing me.  She then expressed how exciting and great the day will be when I finally meet my future husband.  How great it will be to actually have him pursue me and not keep me in this limbo world.  After some more talking, she encouraged me with how far I have come in my season of singleness and said, “it may not be your time right now, but your time is coming.”  And I absolutely loved that! This expression can be used for a lot of things in life, not just relationship status.  We serve such a faithful God who will always provide the things we need in life.  Notice I said need there and not want.  It may not be your time right now with your career or financial status but take comfort in the fact that your time is coming! And you are closer to your blessing today than you were yesterday.  Be patient with yourself and embrace the season you are in, no matter how frustrating or disappointing it may be at times.  

At this point of my season, it is clear to me how it is just not my time right now to be in a relationship.  That’s been made very clear by the many dates I have gone on, but have not progressed due to X, Y, and Z.  However, the Lord continues to bless me in other areas of life and continues to teach me.  And if I am really honest with myself, it is a blessing the Lord has not brought my future husband into my life yet, because with all that I have to continue to learn and all that I have going on right now, the chances of that relationship lasting are slim.  The Lord’s timing is so perfect and although sometimes I think I’m ready for something, He truly knows.  And there’s nothing more encouraging that gives me hope.

For everything there is a season, a time for every activity under heaven.  

  • A time to be born and a time to die. 
  •  A time to plant and a time to harvest.  
  • A time to kill and a time to heal.  
  • A time to tear down and a time to build up.  
  • A time to cry and a time to laugh.  
  • A time to grieve and a time to dance. 
  •  A time to scatter stones and a time to gather stones.  
  • A time to embrace and a time to turn away. 
  •  A time to search and a time to quit searching.  
  • A time to keep and a time to throw away. 
  •  A time to tear and a time to mend.  
  • A time to be quiet and a time to speak.
  • A time to love and a time to hate. 
  • A time for war and a time for peace.   

– Ecclesiastes 3:1-8  


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